Carnival and Y'all

Better than Cruise and Youze

If you’ve been wondering where we’ve been, and I know you have, today’s the day you find out the answer.

We’ve been on a cruise to the Bahamas! Specifically, we sailed the high seas (or just off the coast of Florida) on the Carnival Elation to Nassau and Princess Cays (which is apparently pronounced “keys”).

We went with my out-laws to celebrate my FIL’s eightieth birthday. They’ve been on a lot of cruises. We’ve never been on a cruise. There was a lot to learn.

But first, let’s talk about getting to port. We left out of Jacksonville, Fla. If you know Ricky and me, you know we (a) despise the interstate and (b) think that half the fun of a trip is getting there. That’s why we first plotted a course on various state highways down through 

Auburn to Bainbridge, Ga., which seemed to be about halfway there.

Bainbridge is a sweet little town in south Georgia, a place where stately manors line streets canopied with live oaks that trail Spanish moss on Southern breezes. When we pulled into town on a Saturday evening, we saw a restaurant on the town square that had people lined up outside. A quick Google search told us that it was The American, apparently a popular and fairly upscale restaurant. 

Figuring we probably couldn't get a seat and being really too tired from driving to try, we opted to eat at the Laredo Grill, which was a fairly basic Mexican restaurant that was walking distance from the Holiday Inn Express where we stayed. Sometimes when you travel, you just have to go with what is convenient and will probably fill the gap. The Laredo Grill did all that and a little more. Plus, there were margaritas.

I did see this scene through a window in the same building. (If you follow me on Instagram @audreyoutloud, you know I love to find weird things and take pictures of them.)

The next day we made our way on to Jacksonville where we met up with our family at the Holiday Inn Airport, which is apparently where all the outbound cruisers stay. 

I have to say here that I love a Holiday Inn and all the IHG hotels that I’ve stayed in. They range from adequate to very nice, but are always reliably clean and comfortable. And if there’s a Waffle House nearby, that’s really all we need to have a good time. We’re easy to please. 

The next day, after a big Holiday Inn breakfast, we boarded the ship, which was really more of an ordeal than I expected. There are assigned boarding times, multiple lines, and a lot of chaos and cattle calling because having an assigned time doesn’t seem to mean much to most people. We zig-sagged our way through, got sniffed by a drug dog, and showed our passport and birth certificate before we passed through the Carnival paparazzi eager to catch you in pre-cruise ecstasy or the agony of defeat, whichever you feel after the lines.  

But once you get through all that, you’re on the boat and being handed your first rum punch of the vacation. Pay extra to get the insulated commemorative glass, find you a place on the Lido Deck, and prepare to relax. I envisioned standing by the railing waving to a dock full of cheering onlookers like they did on The Love Boat, but as we floated away, the only people left on the dock were cruise line personnel. No matter, we were content to sit in the shade and enjoy our fruity drinks and the first of many trips to the soft serve ice cream machine. 

I won’t bore you with a day by day account of our cruise, but it’s really fun once you get your mind right about it. Here’s what we learned.

1. There are several kinds of cruisers. The ones who love to cruise and meet fellow cruisers, the ones who come for the buffets and snacks and all the soft-serve ice cream they can eat, the gamblers who stay in the casino and smoke after 10, the family groups with matching t-shirts, the contestants (dance, karaoke, trivia), the honeymooners, and the folks like us who have no idea what is going on. Whatever group you find yourself in, just enjoy!

2. Don’t be afraid to meet people and make friends. After all, you’re stuck on a boat with them for several days. Might as well be cordial.

3. You won’t be able to do every activity the ship offers, so pick what you like and do those things. Whether you want to relax by the pool and enjoy tropical drinks all day or go to the spa, play bingo or shop, or join those dance or karaoke contests, do what you like and don’t worry about the rest. 

4. But do enjoy the shows! Whether it’s the restaurant or the theater, they might be campy, but they will be fun and the actors are working hard to entertain you. Appreciate their efforts.

5. Be aware that the cruise line will be trying to sell you stuff at every turn. You don’t have to buy it. From jewelry to family portraits to the rum punch they give you as a “welcome,” everything is extra. Be judicious and get what you want but don’t be afraid to say “No thank you.”

   

   You know I had to have a drink that comes in a coconut head.

6. There will be people at every port who are also lined up to sell you things. Need a ride? Wanna swim with the pigs? Cuban cigar? Hair braiding? Eat something out of a dirty cooler? Refer to number 5. They’re used to boatloads of tourists and don’t care about you. Someone else will come along.

7. There will be towel animals and even a class on how to make towel animals! We had a different towel animal on our bed every night.

   

8. If you are even remotely prone to getting motion sick, get a prescription for the seasickness patches. “They say” you won’t feel a thing, but you will. And if you stay toward the center of the boat, you won’t feel it as much. (Also, as you can tell from this video, the party starts immediately!)

9. If your boat has a big curvy water slide, do it!! Trust me…just do it!! You’ll be sorry if you don’t.

   

After 5 days of fun, we arrived back in Jacksonville to much less fanfare than when we left and a lot more line standing to disembark. Honestly, I was kind of sad to get off the boat. It seemed like we’d just gotten the hang of cruising when suddenly it was all over. I guess we’ll just have to go on another one now that we have the 4-1-1. Here are a few more pics for your viewing pleasure.

A few thoughts: I've never seen water so blue, and I've also never sat at a dinner table and watched a group of strangers do shooters. But hey, life's about exploring and trying new things, right?

And on our way back to Birmingham, we stopped once again in Bainbridge, only this time I made us a reservation for The American, and it was delightful in every way (except they don’t have a liquor license, only beer and wine). We also took the backroads back to the ‘Ham and enjoyed the ride, because the vacation’s not over until you pull in your driveway. Might as well make going home part of the fun too.

p.s. This month’s Popskull Penumbra (when we’re not cruising, we’re zining) features The Allman Brothers in honor of Dickey Betts, who recently passed away. It features a wraparound cover designed by Ricky as well as his commentary and collectors notes and a neat, summery cocktail — the Golden Dream. Get yours while they last! We only print 50 of each.

Meet the Popskull Penumbra -- a zine for music and cocktail lovers!